


Black & White

by foggynelson



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, basically no one is cishet, gotta make this as gay as i can, more characters will show up and some background ships as well, um um i not good at tagging things at all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-09-30 14:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10165118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynelson/pseuds/foggynelson
Summary: Jack Kelly's an artist. And Davey Jacobs? Well. He's art.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first time writing for this fandom. I have a good amount planned out and I'm thinking probably between five and seven chapters? Maybe? I don't know but I am really determined to finish this and make it happen so! Yeah. Cool.

Jack doesn’t like the idea of crushes. Mostly because he doesn’t understand them. Like, just because someone is beautiful and nice and kind, that means Jack has to suddenly be able to think of nothing else? What’s the point of that? 

Jack can count on one hand the amount of crushes he’s had. He’s dated a lot of people, kissed even more, fucked less people than others would assume he has. But crushes? Honest to god liking someone? Not his thing. Jack Kelly isn’t about that life. And yes, he did just phrase it like that. 

Which is why Jack is hesitant to call what he feels for David a crush. That? Would not make sense. They’ve literally talked twice and both times have been brief - small talk in every sense of the phrase. But… well? Jack definitely does feel something, something he doesn’t feel around others. 

Not that any of that matters. Because even if it is a crush - which it’s not, okay? - it’s not like Jack is going to do anything about it. If Jack met David at a party, he probably would have pursued him, made out with him, and then that would be it. The end.

Instead, Jack has to see him every Thursday. Jack feels like this is some kind of cliche - having a crush (wait, no, not a crush!) on the model for his figure drawing class. Thankfully there hasn’t been any nudity. Jack has a feeling that’s coming and he has a feeling he’ll be sick that day. 

Jack walks with Crutchie to class. Crutchie’s a piano major and while their class is on the other side of campus, Jack always takes the time to walk with them. They’ve been friends since before Jack could even remember. Most of his childhood memories involve Crutchie in one way or another. Jack wraps his arm around Crutchie’s shoulder the rest of the way there, listening as Crutchie talks about the newest song their learning.

They’re almost there when Crutchie says, “Hey, isn’t that David? The guy you like?”

“I don’t like anyone,” Jack quickly answers. Crutchie gives him _the look_ \- Crutchie’s specific look for whenever Jack is full of bullshit (which, sadly, is often). “Fine, yeah, whatever. That’s him.”

“Huh, I wonder if he’s a music major.”

“He could be just walking through, Crutch.”

“True, but now both of you are heading to the same place… Maybe you could say hi. Talk to him about something other than the weather.”

“And why would I do that?” Jack questions. They’re just about at the door to Crutchie’s classroom.

“Because you like him. That’s what people normally do. Normal people don’t hide from every feeling that they have.”

Jack groans. He opens the door so Crutchie can walk inside. They turn to him and say, “You know I just want you happy.”

“I am happy, Crutchie. I got you.”

“That’s really gay.”

“I would hope so,” Jack replies with a chuckle. “I’ll see you at home for dinner. It’s your turn to cook.” Crutchie smiles and waves. Jack lets the door close and watches Crutchie’s figure until their gone behind the door.

Jack turns around and is grateful that he doesn’t see David anymore. He sighs, relieved, and begins to walk quickly to class. Thankfully his professor loves him and doesn’t mind when he’s late. He still feels guilty about it, though. Like he’s getting away with something so much more serious than being three minutes late to a figure drawing class.

Of course, his fast walking caused Jack to catch up to David. Jack can’t decide what’s weirder - slowing down so that David doesn’t see him and watching him walk from behind or walking by so fast without saying hello. Granted, Jack doesn’t owe David a hello - they’re not friends. But Jack is that kind of person who says hello to everyone he knows and he sees. Which, ya know, includes David.

Before deciding what to do, David stops and turns around, pulling his backpack off one of his shoulders. He looks distressed and Jack can’t help but feel his chest tighten in worry. David starts to dig around his bag. Jack slowly approaches the other. When he’s there, he asks, his voice small, “You doing all right, buddy?”

David looks up, his eyes wide. Jack notices his breathing is rapid. David opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Jack waits. “I need my pills. Can’t find them.” David continues to rummage through his bag and Jack notices his hands are shaking.

“You want help?” David looks up again and Jack can tell he’s debating this. They don’t know each other - why let some stranger go through your bag? But a second later, with shaky hands, David slides his backpack off and hands it over to Jack. 

Jack digs around until he finds a small pill bottle on the bottom of the bag. He pulls it out and then reaches to his bag and pulls out a bottle of water and hands that over as well. David smiles wide and takes the pills and the water.

“Sorry about that,” David says when he’s done. 

“It’s chill. I don’t function when I don’t take my meds so I feel ‘ya.” 

David smiles wide again. “It’s Jack, right?” 

“Yeah. And you’re David, right?”

“My friends call me Davey.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“Which, sorry, was an invitation for you to do the same. Not that we have to be friends or anything like that. Just… you can call me Davey if you want. Or David. Whatever you want. It’s fine.”

“Davey it is then,” Jack chokes out with a smile. David grins back before his face drops.

“We’re gonna be late. Fuck, I’m sorry.” Davey pulls his backpack back on the two start walking briskly.

“It’s okay. Prof loves me. I’ll tell him we was discussing oil pastels or some shit and lost track of time.”

“Oil pastels? She’ll believe that?”

“Yeah. I _love_ oil pastels.”

Davey laughs and Jack grins, his stomach churning. This is the exact opposite of what we wanted. His plans were to ignore his feelings for David and then die. That’s it. Instead his heart is racing and Jack knows it’s not just because they’re almost running at this point.

They arrive and Jack sputters out his excuse. Their professor just nods and Jack takes his regular spot amidst the students. David and her start talking in hushed tones. Jack watches them, his fingers already itching to draw Davey. 

Soon, Davey makes his way over to the middle of the room. There’s a stool for him to sit on. Davey throws his bag on the floor next to him and before sitting down, he reaches behind him and pulls his shirt off over his head. Jack’s breath catches in his throat as he prays the boy’s pants are going to stay on.

David sits, his back facing Jack. Jack is grateful that one, he did not get totally naked and two, that he’s stuck looking at David’s back. He has a nice back and that’s messing with Jack already. He can’t imagine how much worse it would be if he was looking at his chest. Jack ignores the somersaults in his stomach, ignores the small shaking in his hands. He forces his breaths to be even. He’s fine. Of course.

The hour passes by slowly. Jack’s done about five sketches, none of them feeling right. None of them feel good enough. By the time he’s done, he’s ready to throw his sketchbook away. This happens far too often. Crutchie will come back to the apartment and find Jack ripping his drawings apart. Crutchie will grab Jack’s hands and they’ll just sit there for awhile. When Jack feels better, he’ll let go and Crutchie will hand him a sketchpad and some charcoal and Jack will draw Crutchie. There are a lot of portraits of Crutchie.

Everyone gets up to leave. Davey turns around to grab his shirt off the ground and Jack sees his chest and Jack can’t breathe. It’s not totally because Jack is super gay for Davey. It’s… it’s that David has these scars on his chest. Scars that Jack has seen multiple times during various google searches.

Jack can’t stop himself from moving forward, walking up to David. He’s pulling his bag off the ground. Jack knows he shouldn’t ask about it. He knows it. It’s not proper. It’s rude. And that’s something Jack has been trying to not be.

And yet, “You’re trans?” slips from his lips. Thankfully, his voice is small and there’s only two other people left in the classroom.

“I am,” David says. He says it with this mixture of fear and confidence that Jack is in awe of.

“That’s… awesome,” Jack replies, the words “me too” on the tip of his tongue. But he can’t say them. He never can. People know. Crutchie knows. Jack assumes Spot probably knows, too. No doubt others too. But… telling people? Jack can’t do it. He can’t. He knows how that goes and it’s not something he wants to relive.

Jack doesn’t even notice that Davey is talking. Jack doesn’t hear anything, can’t feel anything outside of the pounding in his head. “Sorry,” Jack whispers out. “I… gotta go.” And Jack is running. He doesn’t grab his bag or his sketchpad. He’s just gone.  


* * *

  
Jack sleeps until Crutchie wakes him up, telling him dinner is ready. Jack groans and pulls himself out of bed. He walks into the kitchen and finds that Crutchie has actually set the table - with real glass plates and everything. Jack smiles up at them as he sits down.

“Went all out, did ‘ya?” Jack asks. Crutchie is walking over, carrying a plate of mashed potatoes. “How did you afford this?”

“You had a hard day,” they say, putting the plate on the table. “I wanted to make up for that. And I did spend more on it than I should have. I hope you’re ready to eat nothing but ramen for two weeks.”

Jack chuckles at that and then asks, “How did you know about my day?” 

Crutchie nods their head over towards the living room which is scattered with ripped pieces of paper. “Plus you were sleeping when I got home. You never sleep.”

Jack shrugs. They have a point. “Sorry.” He gives a weak smile. “You’re so good to me.”

“I am. And we both know you’re in love with me. How could you not be? Look at me,” he says, gesturing up and down at himself.

“I’m so in love with you, Crutchie. When will you finally give in and marry me?” Jack asks them, grinning and taking a bite of his steak.

“Only when you make it big. I’m ready to live the high life.”

“It’s always the high life with me.”

“Literally,” Crutchie adds with a chuckle.

“I smoke pot once with Race and Spot and you won’t let me live it down. We’re in college, Crutch. Most people around us have done much stronger shit.”

Crutchie just shrugs. They eat in silence for a bit before Crutchie asks, “You wanna talk about what happened today? You know you’ll feel better if you do.”

Jack groans. “I don’t know. It’s stupid,” he mumbles.

“It’s not stupid if it made you feel that shitty, Jackie Boy.”

Jack glares at him and then looks down at his food, unable to keep eye contact with them. “David’s trans.”

“Your David?”

“He’s not my David,” Jack replies, to which Crutchie just gives him _the look_. Jack sighs. “Yeah, him.”

“Well that’s good news, isn’t it? There’s something for you to instantly bond over. How did you find out?”

“He took his shirt off for class today. His back was facing me, but when he turned around I saw he had the scars on his chest. So I asked. I fucking asked him like a fucking asshole. And then I ran away.”

“Oh Jack,” Crutchie whispers.

“Don’t ‘oh Jack’ me. It was a shitty thing to do. He probably thinks I’m some transphobic asshat. I just… It’s stupid. It’s so fucking stupid. But like, I saw his chest and looked at mine and it was like I could feel every seam in my binder rubbing against my skin and I was pissed and jealous. I’m such a dick.”

“You just gotta tell him what happened. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

“Oh yeah no problem. Because it’s so easy for me to tell people I’m trans.”

“Is there anyone safer to tell than him, though? He’ll understand. It would be really good for you.”

Jack groans again and looks down at his food. He cuts a piece of steak and takes a bite. “Wow, Crutchie, you made such a good dinner. Thank you so much.” He hoped this would be enough and they would just go ahead and drop this. Jack didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

Crutchie sighs and says, “I did. Now to make up for it, you’re gonna clean up your mess and actually work on some homework tonight, okay?”

Jack nods. “Of course, mom.”

“I can’t be your mom and be the person you want to marry. You gotta decide.”

“Well, you only wanna marry me for my money.”

“True, but if I’m your mom you’ll have to provide for me in my old age anyway. I’ll get your money one way or another.”

“Fuck you right. You’re too clever for me, Crutch.”

Crutchie beams. Jack stands up and begins to gather the dishes and starts to clean up. 

“I gotta go to the studio and practice. I still can’t believe you won’t let me get a piano in here.”

“It would take up the whole living room. Plus, how would you afford it?”

“Whatever, Jack. Just stop crushing my dreams.” Jack laughs.

Crutchie disappears into their room and Jack continues to clean up. They come back out in a few minutes. “I’ll see you later. Be sure to clean up and get some work done.”

“Sure thing.” Jack nods. And then, “Shit. I forgot my sketchpad in class earlier. I’m gonna have to go get it so I can actually do work.”

“Walk with me?” Crutchie asks with a smile.

“Of course.”  


* * *

  
Jack notices the moon as he walks out of his classroom, sketchpad in hand. He looks up at it, a small bright sliver in the sky. He looks up at it as he walks until he walks into someone. 

He immediately starts to sputter out apologies before he even looks at who he walked into. She’s pretty. That’s first thing Jack really notices, no particular feature, just that they all work well together. She has a look of annoyance on her face and Jack apologizes once more.

“You should really watch where you’re going,” the woman says.

“I know. I _am_ sorry,” Jack says, a little annoyed at how much he’s had to apologize.

“It’s fine.” She starts to walk off and Jack shrugs it off and begins to walk off when he hears, “Wait, are you Jack Kelly?”

Jack turns, a smug look on his face. He’s used to girls knowing who he is. “I am,” he replies.

The girl smiles and steps back towards him and then slaps him across the face.

“What the hell? What was that for?” 

“I don’t know what you did to my brother, he wouldn’t tell me, but he was really upset and just mumbled your name a couple of times. Which is very out of character for him. So whatever you did, I’m sure you deserved that.”

“Who’s your brother?” Jack asks, trying to think of who he’s hurt recently. He’s been on his best behavior lately. He’s been really trying. With the exception of Davey today, he’s been really good.

“David Jacobs.” Of course. Jack sighs.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. It… it was a big misunderstanding.” Jack leaves it at that, but the girl stands there, hands on her hips, lips pursed, as she stares Jack down. Jack can’t stand to look at her. He looks down and begins to pull on the edges of his shirt.

“You gonna tell me what happened?” she asks.

“I can’t,” Jack says, his voice cracking. He winces at the sound. She continues to stare him down.

“Whatever, Kelly. You owe him an apology. You better make it up to him. Davey is the best person out there, okay? He doesn’t deserve shit from you.”

“You’re right,” Jack mumbles, his eyes still down. “I’ll do something.”

“Good.” The woman nods and walks off. Jack lifts his eyes just enough to see that she has disappeared before he turns and walks his way back to his apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and all that. Maybe tell me what you think??? And also definitely hit me up on tumblr??? [@jaxgardnr](https://jaxgardnr.tumblr.com/). Also the biggest shoutout to @bisexualninej on tumblr who just listened to the musical yesterday and then read over this fic and let me talk to them about it a ton.


	2. Chapter 2

If anyone asks, Jack never thinks about his father. That part of him is long gone, forgotten. Only? It's not. Jack wants it to be. Each time he thinks of his father, he wills the thoughts to leave him. They never do. 

He thinks of him far too often. Any thoughts are too much on their own, but Jack is never left alone without them. Sometimes it’s a vague thought of him - nothing specific, nothing solid. Others, it’s flashbacks, memories, the past haunting him with every move he makes.

It's even worse when he thinks about his mother. Those are good memories and they hurt even more. Jack will think of her smile and feel his chest tighten. He doesn't remember her well, but he thinks of her daily. And it always hurts. 

Sometimes Jack will wonder what the rest of his life would have been like if she hadn’t died. Would she have finally left his father? Would she have loved and accepted him? Jack thinks so. He really does. He hopes so. 

But thinking about that is pointless because guess what? It changes nothing. Jack is still alone, no family except his makeshift family with Crutchie. Jack’s hands shake as he sits there, his thoughts jumping from one parent to the next. He hates this. He hates these nights, alone, unable to anything else but think.

He’s tried drawing, but all he’s managed are rough sketches of a figure that vaguely resembles Davey. Even putting on Netflix doesn’t help, watching his comfort media isn’t do anything for him. He? He doesn’t know what to do at this point. He hopes Crutchie gets home soon.

Instead, Jack finds himself falling asleep as he waits for them to get home. He awakes the next morning on the couch, a blanket over him that wasn’t on him previously. He smiles and pulls it off. He finds his phone on the ground next to the couch and checks the time. Good. He hasn’t missed his first class.

He gets ready, which is always an ordeal. He’s gotten better at ignoring the twist in his stomach, the little voice that’s telling him he’s Bad and Wrong. He puts his binder on, followed by his favourite green sweater. It’s soft and feels good against his skin. Jack smiles as he looks at himself. He messes with his hair some before he sighs. It’s as good as it’s gonna get for now. It’s better. A lot better than it was before.

Jack walks out of his room and over to Crutchie’s. He raps lightly on the door and calls, “You ready to head out?” Crutchie replies with a groan. Jack laughs. “If we leave now we can stop and get coffee before class.”

Crutchie groans again, but this time adds, “Okay. Give me just a minute. You’re treating. I’m broke, remember?”

“I remember,” Jack replies with a smile. Crutchie emerges a few minutes later and the two head out. 

There’s a small coffee shop right next to campus. It’s always busy at this time so Jack sends a text to Romeo, asking him to make them their regular. By the time they walk in, Romeo waves them to the front of the line. Romeo hands over the drinks and Jack hands over his card.

“How’s it been this morning?” Jack asks.

“Rough. We was all out last night, drinking far too much. I’m surprised you didn’t come. You always come over on Sundays. Crutchie was there, but you weren’t,” Romeo replies, handing Jack back his card.

“Yeah, wasn’t feeling well last night. I’ll be there next Sunday for sure.”

“You better,” Romeo says with a smile before turning his attention to the next customer. Jack flashes him a smile he doesn’t see before turning away. Crutchie is waiting at a table; Jack makes his way over to meet them. He sits down across from them and hands over their drink.

Crutchie immediately takes a sip of his drink and winces, as they always do. The drink is always extremely hot and yet they can’t even manage to wait for more two seconds before taking a sip. Jack shakes his head and grins.

They sit for a minute before Crutchie says, “David’s here.”

Jack’s stomach churns and his head hurts. “Oh,” he says, unsure of what else to say. 

“You need to go over there and apologize. It's been a few days. You need to,” Crutchie says and then adds, “If you don't, I'll pour hot coffee all over you.”

“You wouldn't,” Jack replies. 

They give him _the look_ , but then grins slightly and says, “Yeah you right. You still need to go talk to him anyway.”

Jack groans. Crutchie’s right. Of course he’s right. That doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t give him some surge of motivation. He doesn’t? He doesn’t… know what to say. He knows what he should say. He should explain himself, explain his weirdness, his jealousy. But he can’t do that without telling Davey why and Jack… He’s not there yet. He wants to be. He wants it more than anything. But he’s not.

“You good walking to class on your own?” Jack asks. “I’m gonna go…” Jack nods his head in Davey’s direction. Crutchie nods.

“Absolutely. I’ll see you tonight.” They smile. “You’re doing the right thing.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Jack mumbles, but smiles back at them. He walks over to the front of the line where Romeo is taking Davey’s order. “Romeo,” Jack calls, reaching into his back pocket, “I’ve got this.” He hands Romeo his card and looks at David with a smile.

Davey has a smile on his face that disappears when he looks at Jack. Jack’s heart may or may not have broken in two at that point. “I can pay for my own drink,” David says, his voice sour.

“I know. I wanted to apologize.”

“Well next time you plan on apologizing let me know beforehand so I can order a more expensive drink. A small black coffee isn’t much of an apology drink.”

“You right,” Jack replies. “I’ll do something else to make it up to you then, okay?” Romeo hands over Davey’s coffee and gives Jack a look, questioning as to what is going on. Jack shrugs his shoulders.

“An explanation would be nice,” Davey offers as the two leave the line. 

“Yeah…” Jack draws out, unsure of where to go with that. Because, yeah, an explanation would be nice. It would clear it all up and Davey would understand. Of course he would understand! But just the thought of explaining it makes Jack’s heart pound. He can’t do it.

Davey leads them to a table and he sits down. Jack stands until Davey pulls out the stool next to him and motions for Jack to sit. Jack can feel Davey’s eyes on him and his heart rate increases. He can feel his heartbeat in his ears. Jack shifts his eyes down, staring at his fingers that are messing with each other.

“I didn’t mean to run out on you like I did,” Jack starts. It’s true; it’s something; it’s real. It’s not an explanation, more of an excuse, but it’s something. “It’s not? It’s not anything against you. Not at. Nothing against you in anyway.”

David stares him down, his eyes intense as he looks at Jack. Jack knows he should say more. He feels the words in the back of his throat, ready to jump out, but he pushes them all back down to join the anxiety in his stomach.

“That doesn’t really explain much,” Davey replies and Jack knows. He nods. “But it is nice that you want to apologize. Most people don’t even bother. Even if all I got was black coffee.”

“I’ll buy you all the coffees you want until I make it up to you,” Jack offers. “Actually,” he adds. “I totally would but I’m pretty fucking broke. But I did say I was going to do something else to make it up to you. And I will. Promise.”

“Okay. Looking forward to it.” And Davey flashes Jack a small smile and Jack melts. He’s beautiful. Jack’s always known that, but actually being here with him, talking, and David smiling at him, Jack can’t really believe that level of beauty. 

“Cool,” Jack says, smiling, standing up. He glances down at his watch and realizes he’s late for class. Of course. “I’ve got to head out. I’ll see you around?”

“Sure thing, Jack. Have a good day.”

Jack smiles. “Thanks. You too.” David smiles back at him. Jack turns around and can feel his own smile growing.  


* * *

  
The next few days Jack wonders what he can do to make it up to Davey. It’s hard because Jack really only has one talent - drawing - and he already has to draw David for class so he doesn’t want to do so for Davey and have him think it’s not something special. Which it is. Because, well, Jack’s drawn David a lot. Possibly a borderline creepy amount. 

It’s Wednesday night and Crutchie is out with Finch. Jack can’t wait until one of them just finally kisses the other. They spend so much time together and Jack can see how they look at each other, and Crutchie talks about his crush all the time but… Nothing happens. Jack doesn’t get it. Finch is into them and Jack can see it and he tells Crutchie it but it doesn’t seem to make a difference to them.

Crutchie just sent him a text, asking him what kind of ice cream he’d like them to bring home for him. Jack sends “cookie doguh obvs” and places his phone down. He looks up at his easel and his sketchpad and the lightly drawn figure. Jack’s been trying to do a perfect rendition of Davey, one that’s so perfect it won’t be weird or cliche. He can’t seem to manage it, though.

Nothing _feels_ right no matter how much he tries. Jack can feel the self deprecation building and he rolls his eyes. He doesn’t have time for this. Jack rips the paper off his pad and decides to pull out his watercolours. He has homework he should be working on, but watercolours are always calming. 

Jack draws a simple landscape, a sunset, the sky a mixture of oranges and purples and red. It’s soft and warm and Jack smiles as he looks at it. He can never make things look just right when he’s using watercolours, but Jack doesn’t quite mind. He likes that it’s a little messy, that he can’t pick up his eraser and change the whole thing. He can alter and change, but he can’t remove.

When he finishes, Jack checks his phone. Crutchie’s replied with a smiley face. Jack opens Facebook and finds a friend request and a message. Both from Sarah Jacobs. Jack pulls up her profile and realizes it’s Davey’s sister. He adds her back immediately before he wonders why she would be adding him in the first place.

He opens his messages and reads the one from her: “Davey said you apologized and bought him coffee which I said was not enough but he said you were going to do something else too so like that’s cool what are you going to do it should be really good Dave deserves good stuff ya know?”

Jack rolls his eyes. Of course. More pressure is exactly what he needs. Jack writes back, “I’m trying to figure out what to do, but I don’t know him enough to know what to do. What does he like?”

“Nice try, Kelly,” Sarah replies a minute later. “You gotta figure it out. You have class with him tomorrow. Talk to him then. Be nice.”

Jack sighs and throws his phone down at his feet. He looks up at his painting, the painting just minutes ago he was proud of his. His pride is gone and he feels sick. There’s this pit in his stomach that’s always there, this feeling that never goes away, but sometimes it’s quieter and others… Others it’s so loud; it screams and it yells and Jack can feel it growing.

Because, okay, it’s like this: Jack? He’s not a bad person. He tries a lot and makes a lot of effort and he does a lot but? It’s not good enough. It never is. He’s never been good enough for anyone. Not for his parents. Not for his friends. Not for his ex-girlfriend. (Granted, that last one has a lot more too it, but Jack can’t think rationally through it right now.)

Jack sees his hands begin to shake. He looks at the watercolour, looks at the colours, the way they call blend together. It’s not bad, Jack notes. It’s not. Jack isn’t terrible. Just… not good enough. Jack sighs. It’s stupid. It’s so stupid. Jack knows that there’s always going to be someone better than him. That’s how life goes.

But Jack wonders sometimes… he wonders sometimes that if he can just be the Most Perfect Boy then that will solidify that that’s who he is - a boy. A perfect boy. No one can deny that he’s a boy when he’s so good at everything he does. 

That’s not how it works, of course. Of course. But maybe? Maybe it can just for Jack. Just for him.

Jack stares more at the watercolour and debates on ripping it up. He’s ripped up so much lately, more than he leaves untouched. He needs to stop. He needs to take a step back and clear his head. Jack grabs his phone and sees a message from Crutchie telling him he’ll be home soon. Jack smiles.

And Crutchie is home soon. They walk in with a big smile, Finch at their side. Jack gets up and rushes over to them. He puts his arms around Crutchie and holds them. Crutchie hugs him back and the two stand there for a couple of minutes as Finch starts to put away the groceries they bought.

“Bad day?” Crutchie whispers. 

Jack nods against their shoulder. “I’m sorry,” they say. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Jack replies, his voice small. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a mess lately. It’s stupid. I’m stupid.”

“It’s not. _You’re_ not. Sometimes things are just hard. It’s okay,” he says with a small voice. Then he adds a normal volume, “Lucky for you, I have brought you back ice cream. I have solved all the world’s problems.”

“You sure have,” Jack says with a smile. He grabs the pint from off the counter and Finch hands him a spoon as he grabs out his own. The three of them make their way to the living room and sit on the couch. 

“What did you guys do tonight?” Jack asks, looking at the two of them, as he opens his ice cream. He smiles as he takes the first bite. Ice cream really does heal all wounds.

“Dinner and then did some grocery shopping. Nothing too exciting,” Finch replies.

“Yeah, but it was really nice to spend time with you,” Crutchie says looking at Finch. “It’s always nice to get a break from this loser,” he adds, nudging Jack in the ribs and flashing him a smile.

“That hurts, Crutch. I take back my marriage proposal.”

“I guess I’ll just have to marry Finch instead.”

“I guess you will,” Jack replies.

“Do I have any say in this?” Finch asks.

“No,” both Jack and Crutchie says, laughing. Finch laughs as well.

“How’s school going, Finch? I haven’t seen you around much,” Jack asks.

“That’s on you for not being around last Sunday. Everyone was there but you. But yeah. School is going all right. Calculus is kicking my ass, but everything else is going well.”

“I forget you’re studying engineering like a real fucking person.”

“Shit if I was as good as piano as Crutchie or as good as art as you, I would being pursuing that. You both are so talented.”

Jack sees Crutchie blush and it makes him smile. “Crutchie is so good, aren’t they? I basically have a heart attack every time they play it’s so good.”

“So you almost die every time I play? I feel like that’s not a good thing, Jack,” Crutchie says, chuckling.

“If I could die listening to you play, I would die happy,” Jack says with a grin.

“That’s really gay.”

“I would hope so.” Jack smiles as he looks at his best friend. He reaches out and grabs hold of his hand and gives it a small squeeze before he lets go and stands up. “I’m gonna head to bed. Lots to do tomorrow and all that.” He turns to Finch and says, “It’s always good seeing you. I’ll be there on Sunday and then you and I can hang out without Crutchie.”

“But I like hanging out with Crutchie,” Finch says.

“C’mon, Finch, I’m trying to get back at him for calling me a loser earlier.”

“Right, of course, sorry,” Finch replies with a small voice, and then says, louder, “Sure thing, Jack. Me and you. No Crutchie. Sounds like a good plan.”

Jack laughs. “Love you both. Don’t stay up too late. Or do. Whatever you want. Anyway. Okay. Good night, losers.” Jack throws up a peace time before he walks into his room. 

He gets ready for bed and lies down, closing his eyes. He can hear Crutchie and Finch talking. He can’t make out what they’re saying, but the sound is there, their voices light and soothing. Jack’s thoughts swirl around and he wills them to stop. They don’t. They never do, do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! The plan right now is to update every Wednesday because that's my day off so it should be manageable to get a chapter done and posted by then. Thank you so much for all the positive responses and love and!!! I am honestly so, so grateful. Once again, please come hit me up on tumblr [@jaxgardnr](https://jaxgardnr.tumblr.com/).


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